Why a whelk...

I don't usually meme, but I saw this on flist and had to join in.

IF YOU READ THIS, QUOTE DOUGLAS ADAMS IN YOUR JOURNAL. In honour of the The Great On-Turning I chose:

Many many millions of years ago a race of hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings (whose physical manifestation in their own pan-dimensional universe is not dissimilar to our own) got so fed up with the constant bickering about the meaning of life which used to interrupt their favourite pastime of Brockian Ultra Cricket (a curious game which involved suddenly hitting people for no readily apparent reason and then running away) that they decided to sit down and solve their problems once and for all.

And to this end they built themselves a stupendous super computer which was so amazingly intelligent that even before the data banks had been connected up it had started from I think therefore I am and got as far as the existence of rice pudding and income tax before anyone managed to turn it off.

Just a reminder to everyone that today is indeed the day of the Great On-Turning, all of which means we're all going to die or possibly just that there's a Torchwood radio play on later this afternoon, the start time of which has temporarily escaped my mind but it's somewhere around three-ish my time.

And, just because I never really saw this mentioned anywhere and it really quite upset me, I'd like to say rest in peace, Geoffrey Perkins, who died in a road accident on August 29th. Geoffrey produced the first two seasons of the Hitchhiker's radio series and went on to be the greatest, most brilliant and influential BBC comedy producer the last 30 years has seen. If it was funny and you liked it, Geoffrey probably produced it and he will be sorely missed. Yeah, you know his name, it's been in the credits of every funny thing you've ever watched. What a loss.

---NEWS JUST IN! EVERYONE STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT WHO RIGHT NOW!!!!---

Please be advised to tune into BBC One's new flagship archaeological drama Bonekickers. No, seriously. Tune in. If you want to see exactly how bad television can get, tune into BBC One's new flagship archaeological drama Bonekickers. Do it.

Bonekickers is written by Matthew Graham of Life on Mars fame. Yeah, the guy who wrote Fear Her (and I love Fear Her, by the way, so don't even start on that one). It's an archaeological drama. YEAH READ THAT AGAIN. AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DRAMA. Seriously, WATCH IT. It's AWFUL. It's so far beyond awful there are really no words to describe how awful it is, but I WILL be tuning in again. Last nights premiere episode introduced us to "brilliant archaeologist Dr Gillian Magwilde" who "has a passion for history and a hunger for the truth". It's also got Tish in it. (YES THIS IS WHY WE WERE WATCHING, OBVIOUSLY. And by "we", I mean "he".) Tish is called Viv. Dr. Gillian Magwilde is a fierce lesbian-type archaeologist who uses the word "archaeological" a lot. A typical exchange from the first ten minutes or so:

Viv (about the bodies they've dug up): "Who were they?"
Dr. Gillian (*fiercely*): "Use your archaeological imagination!"

OH GOD YES, IT'S THAT BAD. MUST-SEE BAD.

Anyway, last night's episode culminated in a FIGHT IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVE. ON WIRES. WITH SWORDS. WHILST THINGS WERE ON FIRE. And all that in HD, no less. I swear to God, this thing has to be seen to be believed and I urge you all to watch it RIGHT NOW. It's only six episodes and IMDB tells me we have at least one to look forward to that's penned by none other than TOM MacRAE!!!! YES! The GENIUS behind Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel. Come on, you KNOW you want to watch this shizzle. It's got TISH! WATCH IT! USE YOUR ARCHAEOLOGICAL IMAGINATION!

---MESSAGE ENDS---

THERE'S PROBABLY SPOILERS FOR SOMETHING IN HERE. AND RUDE WORDS. DON'T READ.



POINT THE FIRST: Why are we all being so fucking coy about this?

RTD IS LEAVING AFTER THE SPECIALS. Everybody knows it, everyone's read about somebody saying it to somebody else at The Rift and yes, that was possibly not supposed to be said and we won't get into who said it and who heard them say it, because plenty of people did, but surely everyone has by now heard and read about hearing that SOMEONE SAID that Rusty's out after the specials? Let's just take it as read and move on, yeah?

NUMERO TWO: Ditto for the Torchwood/Doctor Who finale crossover/appearance thing. Jesus, anyone who doesn't know about that by now is surely living under some sort of rock. Alien rock. Big fuck-off alien rock.

THREE: GARETH. I don't think even you realise how much Marsters wants everyone to know how fucking fabulous an actor he thinks you are (He's a bit gay for you, yes?). Putting that aside though, seriously dude, I'm reading between the lines of your little lament here, and it's not the first time you've lamented, let's face it, IF YOU'RE REALLY SERIOUSLY OUT OF WORK THIS SUMMER, may I just reiterate that YOU NEED TO FIRE YOUR AGENT. You need to fire your agent ANYWAY for their inability to even update your cv, but seriously, there is NO EXCUSE for you not to be dipping your wick into some Stateside shizzle. SOMEONE'S NOT PUTTING THE EFFORT IN. Cause, fuck me, it wouldn't be that much effort, honestly.

FOUR: THERE IS NO FOUR.

FIVE: I still don't like Martha and if she ends up in Torchwood permanently I may die of ennui.

There's been a lot of guff on my friendslist about Chibnall's defense of the rape spray incident in Torchwood. If you're not aware of it, the gist being that Chibnall is of the opinion that because TPTB never INTENDED for the pheromone scenario to come across as date rape, those of us who see it that way ARE WRONG.

I think this attitude of authorial intent >>> audience perception is one that's very prevalent among the DW/TW powers that be at the moment, and it's one that bugs me immensely. Russell, for example, I'm sure, didn't INTEND for me to infer from the Doctor's refusal to take Mr. Copper along in the TARDIS in VotD, that the Doctor was holding out for a gullible blonde. But that IS how I saw it, and I'm not alone. And I'm sorry, Russell, because, yes, I'm talking to you, but that's just one of those things that happens. And I can understand why you call us ming mongs, because it's annoying when those sorts of things happen, and I sympathise, I really do, but the problem is, when things like that happen, you should treat is as a learning experience and sit down and evaluate what you're doing wrong. THINK MOAR, WRITE BETTER, that sort of thing. Instead, all we seem to get from you is a big two-fingered salute to the ming mongs who think things and see stuff you didn't mean for us to see. A big DEAL WITH IT, fuck you, here's your rape spray flashback because we're going to hit you about the head with our intent until you shut up.

I, personally, found the on screen portrayal of the relationship between Jack and Ianto in Torchwood ultimately unsatisfying, and, again, I think that's a problem of intent. Here, the problem gets even stickier, because not only does INTENT seem to be justification for glaring sins of omission (Example? Witness the BBCA Captain's Blog for the episode Adrift and the widely quoted quote from Jack "After Gwen had gone home, I just held on to Ianto for a couple of hours, as tightly as I could." Now, see, IF THAT IS YOUR INTENT, to show us a relationship in which that scenario might happen, then SHOW US a relationship in which that scenario does, or could happen. TELLING US your intent in the Captain's Blog doesn't work and just annoys the living crap out of us. YOUR INTENT IS PASTEDE ON.), but, what's worse is nobody seems to be making sure everybody intends the same thing. Remember that piece of A4 paper I suggested when it comes to Torchwood? There's another bit of advice I've got that goes along with it: That page? Make sure everyone's got THE SAME ONE.

Here's what I think you should do, Russell, I think you should THINK MOAR, and I think you should write better. I think you should embrace the vocal fanbase you have and see them, rightly, as the voice of the people. The ming mongs like myself, yeah, we're loud and we're annoying, but we're only SHOUTING AT YOU because we don't think we're being heard. Do you really think that if I met you down the pub, Russell, I would sit you down and should "LOL RUSSELL U RETARD" at you? No. I wouldn't. I'd offer you my constructive opinion on the various and assorted things I think need improving and I'd buy you a drink and praise and credit you for all the things you've done RIGHT. But I don't have that opportunity, so I shout at you loudly on the interwebs, because I KNOW you're reading, despite your declarations to the contrary, and I HOPE SINCERELY that you'll take away maybe 5% of what I'm saying and take it to heart. Because, funnily enough, if you scratch away the other 95% of righteous indignation and frustration, you'll probably be left with a few salient points that reasonably accurately sum up the viewpoints of your audience AS A WHOLE, not just the ming mongs. (I know FOR A FACT that there are normal fans out there who call Owen a rapist. Fans who don't read the internets and who don't vent their opinions anywhere, just normal people who thought Owen used a date rape drug and thought that made him a bit of a twat. TRUFAX, Russell, trufax.)

So that salient 5% point at the moment is this: SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU INTEND FOR ME TO SEE. PRETEND I DON'T KNOW YOUR INTENT AND MAKE IT CLEAR IN THE STORYTELLING. WHEN I SEE SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T INTEND, OR I DON'T SEE SOMETHING YOU DID, GO BACK, THINK MOAR, AND WRITE BETTER NEXT TIME. (AND BUY SOME A4 PAPER LIKE I SAID LAST TIME, SERIOUSLY.) We love our big gay shows, Russell, if we didn't, we'd STOP WATCHING AND SHUT THE HELL UP. So listen, learn your lessons, and appreciate that there are people out there who are willing to vocalise them. Do that for me and I'll happily get the drinks in and let you call me a ming mong ALL NIGHT LONG. I think it's kind of sexy.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TODAY ABOUT TORCHWOOD. That's pretty rare, I know.

A picture for you. I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHAT WATCH THIS IS:



Cookie for whoever tells me.

And if you're stuck for something to read on a Sunday, or even if you're not, you SHOULD be reading the TW body language posts by antelope_writes, they are FASCINATING. The analysis of the J/I date scene in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is the latest and well worth a read. Go. Now.

That is all.

kateorman's post about Blades of Glory just reminded me I have a terrible secret.

I secretly quite fancy Gob and I don't know why.



Also, Will Arnett's wife (Amy Poehler) reminds me so much of a young Beverly D'Angelo, it's scary. And the fact that she does shouldn't really turn me on, considering I'm such a rampant heterosexual, but it kind of does.

I'd do both of them.