STOP THE PRESSES!

[tencrush]

---NEWS JUST IN! EVERYONE STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT WHO RIGHT NOW!!!!---

Please be advised to tune into BBC One's new flagship archaeological drama Bonekickers. No, seriously. Tune in. If you want to see exactly how bad television can get, tune into BBC One's new flagship archaeological drama Bonekickers. Do it.

Bonekickers is written by Matthew Graham of Life on Mars fame. Yeah, the guy who wrote Fear Her (and I love Fear Her, by the way, so don't even start on that one). It's an archaeological drama. YEAH READ THAT AGAIN. AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DRAMA. Seriously, WATCH IT. It's AWFUL. It's so far beyond awful there are really no words to describe how awful it is, but I WILL be tuning in again. Last nights premiere episode introduced us to "brilliant archaeologist Dr Gillian Magwilde" who "has a passion for history and a hunger for the truth". It's also got Tish in it. (YES THIS IS WHY WE WERE WATCHING, OBVIOUSLY. And by "we", I mean "he".) Tish is called Viv. Dr. Gillian Magwilde is a fierce lesbian-type archaeologist who uses the word "archaeological" a lot. A typical exchange from the first ten minutes or so:

Viv (about the bodies they've dug up): "Who were they?"
Dr. Gillian (*fiercely*): "Use your archaeological imagination!"

OH GOD YES, IT'S THAT BAD. MUST-SEE BAD.

Anyway, last night's episode culminated in a FIGHT IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVE. ON WIRES. WITH SWORDS. WHILST THINGS WERE ON FIRE. And all that in HD, no less. I swear to God, this thing has to be seen to be believed and I urge you all to watch it RIGHT NOW. It's only six episodes and IMDB tells me we have at least one to look forward to that's penned by none other than TOM MacRAE!!!! YES! The GENIUS behind Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel. Come on, you KNOW you want to watch this shizzle. It's got TISH! WATCH IT! USE YOUR ARCHAEOLOGICAL IMAGINATION!

---MESSAGE ENDS---

Comments

[fahrbotdrusilla]

That bad, huh? I've downloaded it but haven't gotten around to watching it yet. Should I really even bother wasting 60 minutes of my life on it? Even just to see how bad TV could get?

[tencrush]

YESYESYESYESYES!!! OH GOD, WATCH IT!!! This you HAVE to see. It's a cult classic of badness in the making.

[qthewetsprocket.livejournal.com]

apparently owen's gonna be in at least one episode, too. as a military dude.

this i have GOT to see.

[tencrush]

Yes. Yes, you do.

Archaeologists! Wrenching things out of the ground with their bare hands like big goddamn heroes! Ninja rope fighting! Decapitations! This show HAS IT ALL!

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

... I have been reading that as "Boneknickers" the whole time.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

You may well have persuaded me on this. I am a complete sucker for "WATCH THIS IT'S TERRIBLE".

[tencrush]

WATCH IT. IT'S TERRIBLE.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

I shal wait until offpeak phone calls start so i can watch it with nos while on the phone. i feel it may benefit from it.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

"Let's do dendrochronology on it."

Why am I letting the BBC shit this into my brain? Why? The remnant of a mediaevalist within me is SCREAMING.

*continues to watch*

[tencrush]

Yeah! Let's dendrochronologise the arse off this thing! It's brilliant!

My community for it is taking off. Cult classic, I'm telling you.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Btw, the Crazy Templar Boy is mainly known as Joe the Badly-Written Eastenders Schizophrenic from a million years ago and is thus a smidgen typecast. Inexplicably I have not seen him in much since.

[tencrush]

TINFOIL HAT JOE! I did love tinfoil hat Joe quite a bit. I stopped watching Eastenders around the time of Phil Daniels. It went a bit weird, I thought.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

I haven't watched it in years yet somehow via trailers I know a lot more about it than I ever wanted to. Still, it's all worth it for Toasty Templar Joe.

That was dreadful. I shall be watching again next week. Meanwhile there are real archaeologists out there who still can't breathe from THE HORROR. That makes me sad.

[pontisbright.livejournal.com]

I only saw the bits that were on in the CSI ad breaks and that alone was enough to discover that all you say is true. Apart from it being so bad it's good, because I think it may exist in a parallel universe created by its own awfulness where that is not actually true.

Though I may have to tune in next week to check.

The casting people were drunk, weren't they?

[cirrocumulus.livejournal.com]

Is it like bad bad or like, Torchwood bad? Because especially in the first season TW was mostly crap but had some saving graces that made it obsession-worthy... but this show actually just sounds like crap.

[tencrush]

No, it has NO redeeming features, apart from Tish who is rather cute with the big eyes and everything. The script is bad, the dialogue is diabolical, the archaeology and history is laughable, the effects are hilarious, its morals are questionable, and the acting is AWFUL. Alltogether, though, it's mesmerising, like a car crash.

[cirrocumulus.livejournal.com]

Wow. Sounds like a real winner, there.

[tencrush]

So much so, I've started a community.

[brewsternorth.livejournal.com]

Owen's going to be in it! (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148181/fullcredits#cast)

(Clarkson) What could possibly go wrong? (/Clarkson)

Mind you, considering that the head of the team goes by the name of "Dolly" Parton, it's unlikely to be intended to be taken seriously.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

But it fails at being laughed-with instead of laughed-at, too. Oops. And also ha ha ha.

[ceindreadh.livejournal.com]

It seemed to me like they were trying to do CSI: Archaelogy (would have put in the name of a famous dig but I can't think of any)
Heck, IIRC, didn't they even have a CSI type one liner just before the credits!

I admit I tuned in partly because I heard Burn Gorman was in it, but I stayed for the pretty that is Adrian Lester. (yes, I am shallow, why do you ask?)

It's a pity, because I think it could have been good if (a) it didn't take itself so seriously, or (b) took itself a bit more seriously and had a semi-plausible plot.

[shaggydogstail.livejournal.com]

I just finished watching it on iPlayer and OMG IT WAS EVEN WORSE THAN I EXPECTED! They pretty much had me even before the opening credits came up (DO YOU KNOW WHAT HISTORY IS?) but every time I thought it had got as bad as it could possibly be they somehow produced something even worse! It's gloriously, epically awful.

[--kali--.livejournal.com]

It was extremely rubbish, but weirdly quite entertaining too. My eyes hurt from all the eye rolling now though.

[holdingoff.livejournal.com]

in the states, this would score a 10 on the velveeta scale.

(velveeta is a processed cheese spread)

there's cheese and then there's this!

dear lord, i believe drinking games based on this show are in order...

so- autherian legend/excalibur is the underlying "the truth is out there" for this stinker?

[tencrush]

Yes! A drinking game! What a fabulous idea.

I shall start one in my Bonekickers community.