Why a whelk...

But this is fucking excellent.



And for those of you more into lolcats, please feel free to make yourself one of these.

MAKE YOUR OWN CEILING CAT

I know I am.

I have asked a random fabric related question over at whyawhelk, so I'm pointing people at it. Anyone know anything about whitening table linens?

• I feel personally responsible for perhaps pointing one or two Torchwood people towards who_anon. Please tell me this is not the case. I have NO idea what's going on there anymore, but the wank on my friendslist continues unabated. My two cents: Seriously, I think the kind of hive mentality on who_anon polarises opinion when it comes to fannish things, I think the entire place puts people on the defensive (which sometimes translates as attack, sure, it's the best form of defense, right?), which carries on not just there, but elsewhere, in other communities and people's personal journals as well. I think the place causes wank and relishes in prolonging it, and that's why I'm staying well out. I'm MUCH HAPPIER staying well out. I LOVE EVERYONE, remember? I posted once about Torchwood fandom being a happy friendly place full of fuzzy bunnies, and honestly, deep down, I know this is still the case. Let's all have a hug. Even you meme-goers, I love you guys too, I just don't want to play over there no more because you keep hogging the swings and throwing sand.


• GRATUITOUS PIMP: Anyone in possession of a reasonably scrawny boyfriend of the River Island "medium slim fit" variety? Fancy dressing him like Owen Harper? ( Okay, so this shirt hasn't got the bestest associations for Owen fans, but still... )


• Where do I start looking to find the cool kids into Being Human, dudes? I think I may well have decided I liked that show lots. Iconworthy lots. May well fire up photoshop.


• Speaking of photoshop, is it tasteless of me to start a kind of running meme in my journal involving animated gifs that feature Ianto and HUGE cocks? It's just that there was another godawful manip that kind of... inspired me. I thought I might give it a go later in the week.

That is all.

LOLOL. Your inability to grasp the relatively simple concept of "aspect ratio" tells me a lot about you, and indeed about the quality of your fic. So much so, I don't even need to read it.





I once got someone on the OG all butthurt when I remarked that their otherwise lovely offer to screencap Torchwood episodes for people was marred by the fact that their caps were 4:3 and everyone was just a bit stretchy. C'est la vie.

Also:



YOU shouldn't be allowed near the internet, or a word processing program. Your epic Mary Sue fic should be taken out and shot. Your icon says more about you than you probably will admit to, but God, it makes me laugh. EVERY TIME. (As a bonus, I have animation turned off on my playstation, so this is invariably the only frame I see of this animated icon. It's funnier like this, trust me.)

Names left out to protect the innocent. Tiem to defriend torchwoodcoffee nao, Y/N?

See? Bitching, it's the new black.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

And for Christmas I bring you... assorted fannish gripes.

• Some of you don't quite seem to believe me on the bears thing.
  
  torchwood_bears
  
  There you fucking go. And THAT, ladies, I am telling you right now, is NOT normal fucking behaviour. There's been a lot of talk on the flist lately about girl fans and boy fans and all that sort of shizzle. I have to say I don't really have that much of an opinion on the subject but I must admit that A)that bear thing B)grown women writing words like "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and using far too many exclamation marks and C)flowery Jack/Ianto wedding and mpreg fic are the three things that make me reluctant to tell the normals out there that I am a WOMAN who is a FAN of anything whatsoever. Because, by association, I always feel a bit embarrassed for my sex and I'd rather just keep my mouth shut. So yeah, thanks for that. Grow the fuck up. On that same note, I think I've explained before that the reason I do things like mention pie and cock far too often is really quite simple. Pie references tend to put off the typical squeeing fangirl who can see no wrong with the object of their affection and therefore can't even take a joke when I say that object's looking a bit jiggly round the tum. Obviously I don't think Gareth David-Lloyd is fat. Anyone who's taken me seriously and taken offense at my pie jokes is really not somebody I'm wanting to be talking to anyway, so good fucking riddance. Cock? Yeah, well, that's me just trying to get as far away from squee and love hearts and DRESSING UP FUCKING BEARS as I can physically get whilst still expressing my appreciation for someone on the telly. You all understand that, right? Meh... whatever.


• I am THIS FUCKING CLOSE to defriending torchwoodcoffee. I have no respect for any comm that allows NC17 photomanips, I'm sorry, I just don't. And the thing with me and photomanips is, I know how hard they are to do, and, in fact, I'm actually pretty good at them. As such, I can't actually help clicking on pretty much any one I come across out of a morbid curiosity to find out how good the manipper in question actually is. In doing so, I have found out two things about me and photomanips and they are: A)there is not a single person in either Who or TW fandom who is actually any good at them. They are all unequivocally awful. And don't come to me and say "but oh... have you seen so-and-so's stuff", because yes, I have, I know who the shoppers are in these fandoms and they're all really bad at it, trust me. Bad. B)The more it happens and the more I stumble across it, the more I find photoshopped sex scenes and nudity featuring the real actual faces of real actual actors not just worrying but completely fucking morally reprehensible. If an actor wanted to get his cock out or put it up someone else on screen for everyone to see, that would be his prerogative. Just because he doesn't, doesn't give you the fannish right to paste his head onto someone else's naked and/or rutting frame. "Oh, Whelk, stop whining and just don't click it", I hear you say. Yeah, fine, whatever, I can't help myself. I NEED to know if it's going to be as bad, badly thought through, and badly executed as I think it's going to be. I'm a masochist. I think I've mentioned that before. It invariably is. Sometimes, it's bad enough to make me want to leave fandom and the internet behind for good. That's how much I hate them.


• I LOVE my community ninja_teaboy and its members. I am therefore putting out another shout to my flist to go and read my all new community guidelines, and come and join the kickass!Ianto cause and input fic and all the rest of it. I'm not actually being hugely active, what with the holidays, but I will pay it more attention when Christmas is over, I promise. I also know I promised cageyklio to respond to a fic that was recced there, and that's still something I'm going to do, because, to my surprise, I don't actually agree with you and I'll write a wee review of the story when I get round to it and tell you why. So... I will actually do that. In a bit.


• Thank you to everyone who's been pm-ing me about the comm and in general, and saying nice things about me and about the stuff I write, it's really sweet and I really appreciate it, I feel like I only ever really bitch on this LJ, and in essence that's true, I only really ever have something to say when I'm unsatisfied with something, but it's good to know it amuses and entertains people because that thought keeps me just a little bit sane. So, thank you and I hope everyone has a good Christmas.


See you on the other side.

God, I have an incredible urge to take a random sampling of Jack/Ianto fanfic and work out the ratio of Jack versus Ianto as to who takes it up the arse. But where would I take a random sampling from? And, mostly, it would only depress me because I think that if I did it, I'd probably prove that, despite canonical evidence to the contrary, Ianto is invariably the crying, helpless, penetrated wife.

I did that thing once where I worked out how many and what sorts of orgasms Rose had in Ten/Rose fic. I think I left it on my work computer, though. I'm sad about that. They were magical and plentiful and vaginal and reading 50 Ten/Rose fics in a day put me off fic for about a year. Which was a bonus.

Wow, what a busy busy day at my eljay it's been. I'm in a right bitchy mood today, so may I just say that if you feel the need to bitch about me, don't do it your flocked journal, that's just silly, do it HERE! I want to share in the hate.

Some bitchworthy opinions I have:
1) I think John Barrowman is obnoxious. I don't hate the guy, I don't really actually have an opinion on him one way or the other, but if I had to veer in a certain direction, obnoxious would be that direction.
2) Gareth David-Lloyd, in season two of Torchwood, was a chubster. Chinless, beergutty tubbyboy. He's looking better now and even in season two of Torchwood I'd have fucked him silly, but yeah, he was a fatty.
3) Freema's a shit actress. I got defriended over that one. Any other takers?

GO ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

This post was brought to you by my fucked up hormones and my SCREAMING CHILDREN.

Have you heard? The bird is the word.

I have Super Furry Animals' God! Show Me Magic on 7" vinyl, signed by Gruff Rhys. I even vaguely remember having it signed by Gruff Rhys. What I don't remember is having John Robb sign Gold Blade's Soul Power EP. I'd rather not remember the circumstances that led to me having my Stay 7-inch signed by all of the 60ft Dolls.

I was looking for something, but I found far too many Fierce Panda EPs, more Super Furry vinyl than SFA have actually released, a signed, limited edition Bluetonic by the Bluetones, wayyyy too much on the Ankst label, including S4C makes me want to smoke crack Vol 2 (what the frick was it with me and Welsh bands???) and, strangely enough, ALL of the vague Finnish singles the KLF released back when they were pretending to be called Gimpo, The Daytonas, Draculas Daughter and The Fuckers, respectively. That last lot is the biggest mystery, because I really don't remember buying them and I'm trying to work out if they're worth anything but no collectible record store has them available for purchase.

In short: The nineties are a bit of a blur, but I can safely say BRING BACK MENSWEAR. And vinyl, goddammit. I miss the word "gatefold" and things that come with free postcards. You wanna stop people downloading your album, modern peeps? Five words: LIMITED EDITION NUMBERED COLOURED VINYL. Oh yeah.

Reading the EPG I just now became convinced that the programme about to start on Five was called Extreme Fisting with Robson Green. Darryn is convinced Robson Green is in fact called Robson Jerome and because of this, I actually have no idea which one of the two is Robson Green.

Ah, right. It's the one with the small head that looks less like a potato.