WHOA THAT'S A LOT OF PICTURES OF STEVE ROGERS THERE, WHELK

[tencrush]

Things I have learned from Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Illustrated version.

Lesson One: STEVE ROGERS HAS SEXUAL TENSION AND/OR CHEMISTRY WITH THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE AND/OR OBJECTS:



1) Sam.

Steve has UST with Sam, you can't really deny that, not with the way he picks Sam up while cruising in DC.



There's a lot of this going on between them.



It's precious.

2) Batroc.

Yeah, you wouldn't really think Steve has any sort of sexual tension going on with this guy.



But then Steve does this and it's suddenly like...



WHOA GET A ROOM, YOU TWO.

3) Old Peggy.

Yeah. look, he totally would have kissed her, he doesn't really care that she's old.



The fact that she's mentally compromised is a different matter...



but if had just been the old thing, he totally would have.



Steve's like that.

4) Natasha.

Obviously.



No, really, obviously. I ship them a little.



A lot. Somewhat. I don't know.

5) Bucky.

Yeah, another no-brainer.



Steve loves Bucky.



Everyone knows that.

6) Nick Fury.

I reckon Nick fancies Steve a little.



And when Steve gets on his moral high horse at him...



Fury feels a frisson of something he can't quite explain.

7) A lift full of burly MEN.

I didn't want to find this scene quite as sexually exciting as I did, but then...



I realised it was obviously intended to be sexually exciting, and I just went with it.



I went with it HARD.

8) The guy from the Apple Store.

Yeah.



Even him.

9) His bike.

Yeah, the big thing between his legs there, nuff said.



10) His shield.

He's very fond of the shield, isn't he?



The way he handles it, he must practice handling it for literally hours a day.



Sexy.

So, yes, there's that. And now:

Lesson Two: STEVE ROGERS HAS NO SEXUAL TENSION AND/OR CHEMISTRY WITH:

1)Sharon.

His future canon girlfriend/wife.



Yeah, I don't get it either.

Actually, I kind of do get it, van Camp just has no presence to begin with, is one of the few people in the universe who has no chemistry with Chris Evans, and only has one facial expression which is this one that I like to call "inexplicably smug"

Please, please, don't make this A Thing in Cap 3. It's not going to work out. I'M BEGGING YOU, NO.

Comments

[off_coloratura]

The elevator scene: I have feels about this, and no screengrabs to back it up, but point by point:

Look at him in the beginning. LOOK.

"Dum de dum, innocent me, not trying to get molested".

Then the elevator starts filling up with guys. Big muscley guys, invading his personal space. One of them fingers his sidearm. Steve notices. He starts looking at the other guys. CLOSE-UPS on eyes, lips, the back of the neck. I'm NOT EVEN KIDDING, THESE ARE LITERALLY THE SHOTS. Loooong buildup of tension. TENSION.

Then he gets attacked and all these men pile on him. One has him with an arm around the neck, EVERYONE ELSE is around his spread legs. Uh, YEAH. GANGBANG.

And then there's the magnetic handcuffs they keep trying to put on him. He struggles with the first one and shakes him off, the second one leaves him dangling by one arm against the wall, while someone else takes a running jump at him. And tries o tase him with a long stick. FROM BEHIND. While we see Steve grimacing and trying to shake him off.

And every shot of Steve is his face contorting, struggling, with these guys constantly grabbing him and trying to immobilize him.

OH YES MARVEL I AM BUYING WHAT YOU ARE SELLING THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[tencrush]

It was totally pornographic, right? It wasn't just me? I found it on youtube earlier today and I couldn't believe what I was watching, I thought I'd imagined it in some feverish hallucination. It's not even so much the fight itself, which is really fast and kind of messy, it's the buildup, he's there, alone, protecting his crotch and looking innocent like he often does and then slowly more and more guys come in. And he eyes them up, and they eye him up, and there's just all these shots going back and forth of them looking at him, him glancing to see what they're carrying, all in this claustrophobic close up, and suddenly you feel like you're in gay porn.

MY GOD MARVEL YOU ARE PANDERING TO MY DEMOGRAPHIC AREN'T YOU?

[off_coloratura]

"I just want you to know, Cap, it isn't personal."

"It kind of feels personal."

Uh, YEAH.

[tencrush]

"It kind of feels personal, and, dare I say, overly intimate."

[off_coloratura]

"That was YOUR taser baton you were trying to shove up my ass, right?"

[tencrush]

"Next time, buy me dinner first."

[off_coloratura]

I may have downloaded that aforementioned scene so I could watch it in slow motion. And screencap it.

[tencrush]

For science, these things are allowed. Not for any other reason, though.

[off_coloratura]

I did a thing. FOR SCIENCE.

[tencrush]

HIS FAYCE THOUGH. Is part of the problem. He's pulling a face in most of that scene like he KNOWS this is porn and HE'S FINE WITH THAT.

[off_coloratura]

He TOTALLY knows.

[tencrush]

See, people complained he didn't take his shirt off in this one, but his face just says "trust me, ladies, this is better than me taking my shirt off, go with it, you'll see I'm right."

Smug bastard.

[off_coloratura]

SO MUCH BETTER. We get him in a T-shirt. And glasses and a baseball cap. And two uniforms. What's not to love?

[tencrush]

That T-shirt in the first picture is too good for words. I'd only just parked my ass down in the cinema seat and instantly I was like 'oh it's going to be like this, is it? Let me just check I have room to squirm in my seat, thanks.'

I was grateful to be alone that day