Let's retcon the hell out of this baby...
Jul. 28th, 2008 01:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tencrushHaving read the reports from ComicCon, I was amused to hear that John Barrowman felt Jack was probably jealous of Lisa in Cyberwoman. I think it's great that this big gay show of mine gives one ample opportunity to fankwank away one's own overacting so easily. In hindsight, there's always a reason.
Taking that on board, I felt compelled to look at Torchwood series one again. Because, let's face it, these two were doing it all along, right? Let's see if we can read that into every scene and see what comes out:
Presenting The Jack and Ianto Are at it Like Bunnies Torchwood Series One Retcon Project, part one.
Everything Changes
Dirty Ianto. Doing cybercrimes in Jack's office. (I done proved this is Jack's office elsewhere, if you're in doubt as to this fact, I shall look it up for you, but I'd have to trawl through hundreds of comments). Ianto, of course, regularly visits Jack's office when Jack's not there. He has orders to make sure the lube in the second drawer is restocked, and also to keep the nipple clamps oiled in that safe they hilariously call the "secure archives". Secure archives my arse. And, as we can see here, it's his job to clear Jack's browsing history and tidy up his bookmarks. If Ianto's in a stroppy mood, he'll rearrange Jack's favourites into arbitrarily named folders like "Anal" and "Faux lesbians" and "You sick fuck". That usually gets him a spanking, but then that's usually what he's after.
It's a little-known fact that "harassment" is Ianto's code word for "you owe me a blow job". Hence the smug face. As per the rules of their office tryst, Jack has to give Ianto a blow job every time he mentions the suit. Ianto has ways and means of getting Jack to mention it as often as possible.
Day One
"So none of you have partners?"
Jack opens his mouth to say "well, actually, I'm fucking the teaboy", but changes his mind. He still remembers what happened the last time he spoke out of turn about his and Ianto's shananigans. It wasn't that long ago, and it's why Jack doesn't actually sit down in these first few scenes. It's not that he can't, but it just a bit uncomfortable. Jack's very accomodating, but Big George really is quite large.
"Did you spunk in my cappucino again?
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Drink up."
"And I don't care." Trust Ianto to rather underhandedly attempt to shut down the conversation about Jack's sexuality with a well-placed quip from the moral highground. There's a story behind all of this, of course. You see, the deal is that should either one of them cause the team to find out about their office sexamalympics, there will be forfeit in the form of the guilty party having to be the bottom for an entire month. Plus, they'll have to wear Big George whenever there's a meeting. Ianto does not want to be the guilty party.
JUST AN ASIDE:
Gosh, there's so much Cyberwoman foreshadowing in these three episodes. "What are we doing having chinese while a girl fights for her life?" Pan to Ianto looking guilty. LOL, I never noticed that. Anyway...
"Do you need me to do any attacking, sir?" Jack's immediate dismissal of that proposal stems from the fact that normally "attacking" is another Iaphemism. Though in this case, Ianto really did mean "attacking". Not even Ianto would bring up rimming at a time like this. He's a horny little monkey, but there's a time and a place.
Ghost Machine
(More Cyberwoman foreshadowing btw!! "Do warn me if you're dropping in." Ianto doesn't like it when the team drops in unannounced.)
"Did you spunk in this donut?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Enjoy."
"Ianto. Secure archives."
"Oh, is that what we're calling it now? I'll get to it when I'm good and ready, slutface... Wait... did you spunk in my Scotch?"
"Pwned, teaboy."
Cyberwoman
"Yo, Tanizaki-san, if you do happen to run into my boyfriend slash boss, don't tell him about the cyberbabe, yeah? He puts it about a bit, but he's a total hypocrite when it comes to me sticking it to anyone else. And he's got a thing against cyberchicks."
"Could you work some coffee magic?"
"Oh, fuck, he wants sex. Not now, Jack."
"What the hell's going on here?" Ianto's refusal to have sex with him earlier causes Jack to grab hold of the wrong end of the stick and conclude Ianto is cheating on him with an old Japanese guy.
*Pissed off Jack is pissed off* There's a slight feeling of relief here when Jack realises Ianto's not screwing the old Japanese guy. Then the realisation hits that Ianto's screwing the cyberchick. Nobody screws anybody on Jack's watch. He's a hypocrite like that.
But then again, Jack's a mellow kind of guy, he's willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it's a dumpy, plain cyberchick, yeah? He could deal with that. She's obviously not a patch on the Harkness.
*Jack sees the Cyberchick* Oh hell, yeah, now the gloves come off. *points gun at head* She's hot. Nobody screws anyone hot on Jack's watch, bitch.
*manipulative Ianto is manipulative* Given what happened to Suzie, the whole "When did you last ask me anything about my life?" spiel is a pretty low blow, and obviously well-placed for maximum effect. But this scene really pwns if you assume they're fucking. I mean, really. Word.
JUST ANOTHER ASIDE:
I've always felt this bit would have worked better if the line had been:
"Lisa, it's me... fuzzybunnykins."
Ianto's shock at the kissing can easily be explained. You see, they don't actually do kissing. Rather like a high class prostitute, Ianto made it quite clear early on that kissing was not on the cards. Hence the surprise. See? It all fits.
There is NO REASON FOR THIS ONE. Just for pretty. A palate cleanser, if you will, something to tide you over until part two.
So there you have part one. Part two will explore the exciting world of cannibalism, stopwatches and tummyrats. And fairies, of course. Let's not forget those.
Taking that on board, I felt compelled to look at Torchwood series one again. Because, let's face it, these two were doing it all along, right? Let's see if we can read that into every scene and see what comes out:
Presenting The Jack and Ianto Are at it Like Bunnies Torchwood Series One Retcon Project, part one.
Everything Changes
Dirty Ianto. Doing cybercrimes in Jack's office. (I done proved this is Jack's office elsewhere, if you're in doubt as to this fact, I shall look it up for you, but I'd have to trawl through hundreds of comments). Ianto, of course, regularly visits Jack's office when Jack's not there. He has orders to make sure the lube in the second drawer is restocked, and also to keep the nipple clamps oiled in that safe they hilariously call the "secure archives". Secure archives my arse. And, as we can see here, it's his job to clear Jack's browsing history and tidy up his bookmarks. If Ianto's in a stroppy mood, he'll rearrange Jack's favourites into arbitrarily named folders like "Anal" and "Faux lesbians" and "You sick fuck". That usually gets him a spanking, but then that's usually what he's after.
It's a little-known fact that "harassment" is Ianto's code word for "you owe me a blow job". Hence the smug face. As per the rules of their office tryst, Jack has to give Ianto a blow job every time he mentions the suit. Ianto has ways and means of getting Jack to mention it as often as possible.
Day One
"So none of you have partners?"
Jack opens his mouth to say "well, actually, I'm fucking the teaboy", but changes his mind. He still remembers what happened the last time he spoke out of turn about his and Ianto's shananigans. It wasn't that long ago, and it's why Jack doesn't actually sit down in these first few scenes. It's not that he can't, but it just a bit uncomfortable. Jack's very accomodating, but Big George really is quite large.
"Did you spunk in my cappucino again?
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Drink up."
"And I don't care." Trust Ianto to rather underhandedly attempt to shut down the conversation about Jack's sexuality with a well-placed quip from the moral highground. There's a story behind all of this, of course. You see, the deal is that should either one of them cause the team to find out about their office sexamalympics, there will be forfeit in the form of the guilty party having to be the bottom for an entire month. Plus, they'll have to wear Big George whenever there's a meeting. Ianto does not want to be the guilty party.
JUST AN ASIDE:
Gosh, there's so much Cyberwoman foreshadowing in these three episodes. "What are we doing having chinese while a girl fights for her life?" Pan to Ianto looking guilty. LOL, I never noticed that. Anyway...
"Do you need me to do any attacking, sir?" Jack's immediate dismissal of that proposal stems from the fact that normally "attacking" is another Iaphemism. Though in this case, Ianto really did mean "attacking". Not even Ianto would bring up rimming at a time like this. He's a horny little monkey, but there's a time and a place.
Ghost Machine
(More Cyberwoman foreshadowing btw!! "Do warn me if you're dropping in." Ianto doesn't like it when the team drops in unannounced.)
"Did you spunk in this donut?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Enjoy."
"Ianto. Secure archives."
"Oh, is that what we're calling it now? I'll get to it when I'm good and ready, slutface... Wait... did you spunk in my Scotch?"
"Pwned, teaboy."
Cyberwoman
"Yo, Tanizaki-san, if you do happen to run into my boyfriend slash boss, don't tell him about the cyberbabe, yeah? He puts it about a bit, but he's a total hypocrite when it comes to me sticking it to anyone else. And he's got a thing against cyberchicks."
"Could you work some coffee magic?"
"Oh, fuck, he wants sex. Not now, Jack."
"What the hell's going on here?" Ianto's refusal to have sex with him earlier causes Jack to grab hold of the wrong end of the stick and conclude Ianto is cheating on him with an old Japanese guy.
*Pissed off Jack is pissed off* There's a slight feeling of relief here when Jack realises Ianto's not screwing the old Japanese guy. Then the realisation hits that Ianto's screwing the cyberchick. Nobody screws anybody on Jack's watch. He's a hypocrite like that.
But then again, Jack's a mellow kind of guy, he's willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it's a dumpy, plain cyberchick, yeah? He could deal with that. She's obviously not a patch on the Harkness.
*Jack sees the Cyberchick* Oh hell, yeah, now the gloves come off. *points gun at head* She's hot. Nobody screws anyone hot on Jack's watch, bitch.
*manipulative Ianto is manipulative* Given what happened to Suzie, the whole "When did you last ask me anything about my life?" spiel is a pretty low blow, and obviously well-placed for maximum effect. But this scene really pwns if you assume they're fucking. I mean, really. Word.
JUST ANOTHER ASIDE:
I've always felt this bit would have worked better if the line had been:
"Lisa, it's me... fuzzybunnykins."
Ianto's shock at the kissing can easily be explained. You see, they don't actually do kissing. Rather like a high class prostitute, Ianto made it quite clear early on that kissing was not on the cards. Hence the surprise. See? It all fits.
There is NO REASON FOR THIS ONE. Just for pretty. A palate cleanser, if you will, something to tide you over until part two.
So there you have part one. Part two will explore the exciting world of cannibalism, stopwatches and tummyrats. And fairies, of course. Let's not forget those.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-07-28 07:07 pm (UTC)