Let's retcon the hell out of this baby...

[tencrush]

Having read the reports from ComicCon, I was amused to hear that John Barrowman felt Jack was probably jealous of Lisa in Cyberwoman. I think it's great that this big gay show of mine gives one ample opportunity to fankwank away one's own overacting so easily. In hindsight, there's always a reason.

Taking that on board, I felt compelled to look at Torchwood series one again. Because, let's face it, these two were doing it all along, right? Let's see if we can read that into every scene and see what comes out:


Presenting The Jack and Ianto Are at it Like Bunnies Torchwood Series One Retcon Project, part one.

Everything Changes


Dirty Ianto. Doing cybercrimes in Jack's office. (I done proved this is Jack's office elsewhere, if you're in doubt as to this fact, I shall look it up for you, but I'd have to trawl through hundreds of comments). Ianto, of course, regularly visits Jack's office when Jack's not there. He has orders to make sure the lube in the second drawer is restocked, and also to keep the nipple clamps oiled in that safe they hilariously call the "secure archives". Secure archives my arse. And, as we can see here, it's his job to clear Jack's browsing history and tidy up his bookmarks. If Ianto's in a stroppy mood, he'll rearrange Jack's favourites into arbitrarily named folders like "Anal" and "Faux lesbians" and "You sick fuck". That usually gets him a spanking, but then that's usually what he's after.




It's a little-known fact that "harassment" is Ianto's code word for "you owe me a blow job". Hence the smug face. As per the rules of their office tryst, Jack has to give Ianto a blow job every time he mentions the suit. Ianto has ways and means of getting Jack to mention it as often as possible.


Day One


"So none of you have partners?"
Jack opens his mouth to say "well, actually, I'm fucking the teaboy", but changes his mind. He still remembers what happened the last time he spoke out of turn about his and Ianto's shananigans. It wasn't that long ago, and it's why Jack doesn't actually sit down in these first few scenes. It's not that he can't, but it just a bit uncomfortable. Jack's very accomodating, but Big George really is quite large.




"Did you spunk in my cappucino again?
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Drink up."




"And I don't care." Trust Ianto to rather underhandedly attempt to shut down the conversation about Jack's sexuality with a well-placed quip from the moral highground. There's a story behind all of this, of course. You see, the deal is that should either one of them cause the team to find out about their office sexamalympics, there will be forfeit in the form of the guilty party having to be the bottom for an entire month. Plus, they'll have to wear Big George whenever there's a meeting. Ianto does not want to be the guilty party.


JUST AN ASIDE:


Gosh, there's so much Cyberwoman foreshadowing in these three episodes. "What are we doing having chinese while a girl fights for her life?" Pan to Ianto looking guilty. LOL, I never noticed that. Anyway...




"Do you need me to do any attacking, sir?" Jack's immediate dismissal of that proposal stems from the fact that normally "attacking" is another Iaphemism. Though in this case, Ianto really did mean "attacking". Not even Ianto would bring up rimming at a time like this. He's a horny little monkey, but there's a time and a place.


Ghost Machine


(More Cyberwoman foreshadowing btw!! "Do warn me if you're dropping in." Ianto doesn't like it when the team drops in unannounced.)
"Did you spunk in this donut?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Enjoy."




"Ianto. Secure archives."
"Oh, is that what we're calling it now? I'll get to it when I'm good and ready, slutface... Wait... did you spunk in my Scotch?"
"Pwned, teaboy."


Cyberwoman


"Yo, Tanizaki-san, if you do happen to run into my boyfriend slash boss, don't tell him about the cyberbabe, yeah? He puts it about a bit, but he's a total hypocrite when it comes to me sticking it to anyone else. And he's got a thing against cyberchicks."




"Could you work some coffee magic?"




"Oh, fuck, he wants sex. Not now, Jack."




"What the hell's going on here?" Ianto's refusal to have sex with him earlier causes Jack to grab hold of the wrong end of the stick and conclude Ianto is cheating on him with an old Japanese guy.




*Pissed off Jack is pissed off* There's a slight feeling of relief here when Jack realises Ianto's not screwing the old Japanese guy. Then the realisation hits that Ianto's screwing the cyberchick. Nobody screws anybody on Jack's watch. He's a hypocrite like that.




But then again, Jack's a mellow kind of guy, he's willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it's a dumpy, plain cyberchick, yeah? He could deal with that. She's obviously not a patch on the Harkness.
*Jack sees the Cyberchick* Oh hell, yeah, now the gloves come off. *points gun at head* She's hot. Nobody screws anyone hot on Jack's watch, bitch.



*manipulative Ianto is manipulative* Given what happened to Suzie, the whole "When did you last ask me anything about my life?" spiel is a pretty low blow, and obviously well-placed for maximum effect. But this scene really pwns if you assume they're fucking. I mean, really. Word.


JUST ANOTHER ASIDE:


I've always felt this bit would have worked better if the line had been:
"Lisa, it's me... fuzzybunnykins."




Ianto's shock at the kissing can easily be explained. You see, they don't actually do kissing. Rather like a high class prostitute, Ianto made it quite clear early on that kissing was not on the cards. Hence the surprise. See? It all fits.




There is NO REASON FOR THIS ONE. Just for pretty. A palate cleanser, if you will, something to tide you over until part two.


So there you have part one. Part two will explore the exciting world of cannibalism, stopwatches and tummyrats. And fairies, of course. Let's not forget those.

Comments

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

Heh, I don't think there's that much retcon involved. I watched Season 1 from the beginning with the assumption that Jack and Ianto were shagging, simply because I knew a lot of people were shipping them (but aside from his name, I knew nothing else about Ianto). I did doubt my initial opinion after I saw Cyberwoman though-- it wasn't until I saw Fragments that I again began to believe that they were shagging throughout the entire S1-- but it didn't seem like ret-con to me, it seemed like everything fit into place better.

[inkvictus.livejournal.com]

OMZG!!@! That was so funny! Totally what i needed after my not so funny day. I'm totally with you on all counts here, especially He puts it about a bit, but he's a total hypocrite when it comes to me sticking it to anyone else.
I've always wondered about everything up to Cyberwoman. Can't wait for the next part :)

[gogo-didi.livejournal.com]

"Lisa, it's me... fuzzybunnykins."

LMAO!

Yes, this must all be true

:-)

[lulahtalks2much.livejournal.com]

You know, it's not nice to make people laugh when they're meant to be getting ready to go to bed. Now, I have the dirtiest, naughtiest, kinkiest Jack and Ianto doing it constantly in Season One scenes in my head . . . ummm . . . thanks!

[oneloveonelight.livejournal.com]

Barrowman felt Jack was probably jealous of Lisa in Cyberwoman

Yup, I always thought that too. (See icon, which I did not make. A bonus is that MY name is Lisa too!)

Also, hilarious picspam. Hilarious tingly-feeling-inducing picspam. Which is really the best kind, IMHO.

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

I've been rewatching S1, and it is SO clear that they're together, it's not even funny.

"So none of you have partners?"
Jack opens his mouth to say "well, actually, I'm fucking the teaboy", but changes his mind.

Starting from right there.

[cirrocumulus.livejournal.com]

I think at this point it would be reduntant of me to explain exactly why I find you to be absolutely amazing, hilarious, and awesome, so I will simply state that you are amazing, hilarious, and awesome and leave it at that.

I... for some reason, even though your analysis is, yes, very convincing, I somehow still don't quite buy the idea that they were having sex yet. Although I kind of could. It's just that to me, there isn't really enough canon support that they were or weren't having sex pre-Cyberwoman.

About the Retconned Over-Acting, it's strange, because for some reason I always bought Jack's reaction to Ianto's betrayal. It's exactly how I think he would have reacted in that situation, just as his coolness when Tosh brought the her homicidal alien into the hub was exactly how it should have been. Which would point to an emotional connection that Jack feels for Ianto, which is strangely opposite to what we usually get from Jack. But just from watching the scenes I get the sense that Jack is hurt because he feels like he's grown to trust Ianto but also that his hopes of Ianto being someone he could eventually have a significant relationship with have now been destroyed.

Of course that's probably not true, at all. But it's just the impression I get, and somehow I can't shake the impression that the sexual aspect of their relationship wasn't there yet. But I do plan on marathoning the first four episodes sometime soon so maybe my opinion will change on a re-rewatching. But everyone also said that "Fragments" totally changed how they watched "Cyberwoman", yet when I went back and watched "Cyberwoman" after seeing "Fragments" I found that my initial impressions of the episode were largely unchanged.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

The UST was off the scale from the beginning no matter what they were doing.

[drho.livejournal.com]

I just have to say that you are completely brilliant. All of this is absolutely true.

[bandgeek01.livejournal.com]

Very good. Can't wait for part two. Must bust out my dads s1 DVD's again :)


Nicole

[louiex.livejournal.com]

This made me laugh until it hurt :D But it's so true, I do love hearing what the actor's have to say as they skew the characters far more than the writers can in a lot of cases so mmmm food for thought (Thanks JB!)~

"Lisa, it's me... fuzzybunnykins."

That really, really would have worked far too well with that little squeak to his voice that he had there. Though I wish they kept the line they mentioned in the commentary that when Lisa is all OMGLETSUPGRADETOGETHER!!! Ianto's reaction was -rather than just shaking his head and saying that was a bad idea- something along the lines of 'No, that's sick'.

*waits eagerly for next bit*

[love-jackianto.livejournal.com]

Another excellent Fanalysis. I'm so glad they decided to capitalize of the actor cemirstry between John and Gareth; if Torchwood was any other show (i.e. one with a show bible) it wouldn't have happened.

'It's a little-known fact that 'harassment' is Ianto's code word for 'you owe me a blow job'. Hence the smug face.'
Yeah, just like how 'Weevil hunting' is Jack's code word for 'let's have sex in the hothouse'.

Agree, no to those bibles.

[(Anonymous)]

This is great, very funny.

Just to say I watched on first showing, and the description of Ianto as handsome in his suit, with his response, the air crackled with chemistry. I thought immediately that it was at the least UST, or they were at it, as it were. The line "I don't care" made me think that something was going on, then in Cyberwoman I was convinced. OK, the snog helped, but it was the dialogue and their reactions to each other.

I have always been glad they have been able to go with things that work out, and the show is so much better for it.

[lupus-malus.livejournal.com]

I think you may have convinced me! Especially that the "When did you last ask me anything about my life?" line in Cyberwoman has whole new levels if they are already involved. I also love the fact that you have put so much thought into this!

haha

[timelady1994.livejournal.com]

I laughrd soooo hard at this.
Did you spunk in my cappucino again?
"That's for me to know and you to find out, bitch. Drink up."
i nerli fell of ma chair lol
I fink the 5th cyberwoman pic down would b a gd icon if it sed "bitch!" on it lol.
Im niave what does Pwned mean lol

[nostalgia-lj.livejournal.com]

He's so thin there.

[lucky-jack.livejournal.com]

The 'fluffybunnykins' line made me snort tea up my nasal passage. Not cool.

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

i always assumed they were doing it since way back
but then, i watched series one all out of order

[forgiveninasong.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AMAZING!

I love it. Totally love it!

Found you through torch_wood. AMAZING.

And oh oh oh with the Cyberwoman foreshadowing </3333 Breaks my heart.

[catalinacat.livejournal.com]

ohmygosh, that was great!
especially this: "Lisa, it's me... fuzzybunnykins."

oh, wow. that was great. I was literally laughing out loud :)

[tacittype.livejournal.com]

Here via torchwood_house

Actually, no, I was first here a couple of days ago to read about GDL and pie (also via torchwood_house because yes, the puffy face in DW was disconcerting. I realise now that any weight gain was just an attempt to distract us from his need to keep his fags in his pocket - quick check for cock and then bam, up to the chins. Then I read all your amusing fanalyses, and giggled for half an hour. This cracked me up, too. I'm gonna have to go rewatch those parts with this new canon in mind... \o/

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

Well, I have to agree, I think they were involved because personally, never seen Jack as mad as he was in Cyberwoman...you don't get that angry at someone if there's nothing going on, plus there's this look *points at icon* - srsly? They were totally shagging.

This was a riot btw :)

[ceindreadh.livejournal.com]

Heh, you certainly make a very convincing argument!

My only argument against them having done the deed prior to Cyberwoman is a matter of timing. We don't know how long it was between Ianto getting hired and ep 4. The way I see it, Ianto would likely have held out sexually as long as possible.
In part because he would have had all these issues about sex with a guy, sex with his boss, cheating on Lisa etc. But mainly (IMO) because I think he'd be keeping sex as a last resort, because for all he knew, maybe Jack was going to be the type of guy who was more interested in the chase, and once Ianto let himself be 'caught', it'd be endgame and he'd have less distraction power.

Again, that's just my opinion, and depending on how long Ianto was working there he may already have reached that point before Cyberwoman, or not.