Yeah, in my head, it plays out like this: Ianto, consciously or subconsciously wishes he could unburden himself on Jack and that Jack will understand and help him, but he doesn't trust Jack enough to do so, while Jack, who suspects (as I have always done, even WELL before Fragments) that, coming from TW1, Ianto knows full well who the Doctor is, who that hand belongs to, probably who Jack is and possibly knows about his immortality, wishes, equally, that he could unburden some of his own manpain on Ianto and that Ianto will sympathise, but again, doesn't trust him enough to do so. They're both as stubborn and distrustful as each other and somehow that whole fucked up situation results in them having angsty bumsex with each other instead, as a kind of extreme sublimation mechanism. Which is part of the reason I don't really think they've ever been particularly vanilla, I find it easier to believe that their sex life probably veered towards the extreme end of the spectrum, because in my head both of them are subconsciously hoping the other will eventually break them down to the extent that it will all come out into the open. I don't ask these weirdy BDSM questions out of nowhere, I would seriously very easily buy that it was something that played (and possibly still plays) a part in their sex life.
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